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Eternity Road
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in love_lives_on's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 24th, 2005
8:41 am
estoy terminando
This is the end beautiful friend, the end. It's been a good run. About 2 months, which is longer than I've pursued most efforts. Perhaps I'll write to you again at another time, in another place, as another person. I would like to thank all of you for reading. I have enjoyed writing, and hopefully I will continue to by other means. One thing that I've noticed has changed for me by writing this journal is that I have become a lot more observant during my every day life. I am more conscious of my ideas and feelings, and I take note of them, so that the thoughts aren't simply entering my head and escaping moments later.
There is a quote from Hamlet that I would like to share: "Brevity is the soul of wit(understanding). I suppose this is something that I need to gain a better grasp of. This entry is perhaps one of the shortest ones i've written. With that said good friends, we must make haste.

You must leave now, take what you need, you think will last.
But whatever you wish to keep, you better grab it fast.
Yonder stands your orphan with his gun,
Crying like a fire in the sun.
Look out the saints are comin' through
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

The highway is for gamblers, better use your sense.
Take what you have gathered from coincidence.
The empty-handed painter from your streets
Is drawing crazy patterns on your sheets.
This sky, too, is folding under you
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

All your seasick sailors, they are rowing home.
All your reindeer armies, are all going home.
The lover who just walked out your door
Has taken all his blankets from the floor.
The carpet, too, is moving under you
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

Leave your stepping stones behind, something calls for you.
Forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you.
The vagabond who's rapping at your door
Is standing in the clothes that you once wore.
Strike another match, go start anew
And it's all over now, Baby Blue.

Current Mood: done for
Friday, April 22nd, 2005
11:36 pm
casey diaz
Austiin sho has become a crazy place this spring season. I was talking to someone today about how people have been feeling strange this week because of the shifting weather, and the fact that it has been on the verge of raining but has failed to quite a bit. Perhaps odd weather invokes even odder human behavior. One can learn a lot from watching the local news. It’s been very exciting the past few days. Yesterday, Thursday, some one got drunk in the middle of the day and killed 8 people while driving. Tonight the news reported that a man had stolen a dead body in order to fake his death and that another man had killed 3 elderly women and stuffed their bodies in his closet. Crazy man. Then we got to witness a woman’s 15 seconds of fame as she attempted to sing the national anthem at a hockey game in Canada, but after she forgot the lyrics she went to get a paper that they were written on, and as she was stepping back down on the ice, she totally ate shit and fell on her ass.

I started thinking tonight about the boy I knew from middle school whose parents named him Casey Diaz (say his name all together). He was always a loner. The Mexicans didn't want him, so he tried to fit in with the white kids, but they wouldn't include him either. Poor lost soul.

I put Bremond to sleep tonight, which is always a pleasure. He didn’t fight at all tonight. He just laid his head down on my shoulder, got comfortable, and went to sleep. I like hearing him let out his small sighs. Putting him to sleep is such a calming experience that really helps me to appreciate the beauty of life. I was thinking about Kara’s past entry that addressed change. Bremond is still very young. He has no concerns other than that he is showed care and fed. He is really developing into a being of compassion. He has no concern for change right now, but some day he will. In the mean time its important to take advantage of these times and gain the most from our present experiences. Change is inevitable. But until it arrives, appreciate every passing moment, and when change does come, be prepared to take control of it. I’ve gone through quite a bit of change in the past few years, but especially in the past year. These changes have marked a transition in my life, which reflects the great deal of self discovery I have pursued in the recent times. So therefore, the change results from self realization and an understanding of what purpose I choose to have for living.

I was talking to Stephen last night about a trip to Europe that he wishes to take the summer that we graduate. My imagination runs wild when I consider the possibilities of such an adventure. As we discuss this trip in the present, I am unable to fully contemplate such an event happening in my life as it is now. Eventually the hour that I must persist on my journey will be upon me, and I will still be in disbelief until I have completed the journey and returned to where I was before, a more experienced man, but still a man who continues to search for completion. The thought of going to Europe with a friend, with all my necessary possessions stored in a back pack, and a bit of money saved up to live off of, summons my wildest senses of adventure. I sit here and think about how we will follow roads from town to town, exploring Europe on foot, lacking concern for the time that is spent traveling, because I realize that the journey to reach my destination is just as important if not more important to gaining experience than the destination itself. I’m searching for a real experience, one in which I can build my own character by relying on the knowledge and skills I possess to gain the most from an experience. A “real experience” would also include getting to build relationships with other people who I share experiences with and who I grow with spiritually through the good times and the challenges that we undergo together on our journey. Lastly, such an experience would heighten my appreciation for the world around me, by opening me up to the external environment in which I travel and learn. I can’t wait. I really hope we are able to. It seems like such a long time from now, which makes the proposition seem like a distant reality.

This summer I would like to plan a road trip to take place for about a week, probably in late June. I think that we’ll drive up through New Mexico and hike on the trails. I want to refresh my memory of the cool mountain breeze and the clear running streams and beauty of landscape. The Land of Enchantment. All are invited to come, so please talk to me if you’re interested, because the trip will not happen if there is no interest. Looking realistically at this idea, I think I would even have a difficult time arranging my departure, but I won’t know until I try.

Current Mood: peanut butter and jelly time
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
10:16 pm
Be on my side,
I'll be on your side,
There is no reason
for you to hide
It's so hard for me
staying here all alone
When you could be
taking me for a ride.

Yeah, she could drag me
over the rainbow,
send me away
Down by the river
I shot my baby
Down by the river,
Dead, oh, shot her dead.

You take my hand,
I'll take your hand
Together we may get away
This much madness
is too much sorrow
It's impossible
to make it today.

Yeah, she could drag me
over the rainbow,
send me away
Down by the river
I shot my baby
Down by the river,
Dead, oh, shot her dead.

Time may change most matters, but there is one force that is not susceptible to the impermanence of the universe. That force is John Stamos. He never changes. His physical appearance is the same as it was 15 years ago when he was on full house, except then he had a mullet.

I don’t think I slept last night. After drinking 3 cups of tea, I was pretty wired. I got into bed around 4, and even though I began to rest, my senses were still active and I was very aware of what was happening around me. At one point my cat knocked over an object and when it crashed to the floor, I jumped up letting out a exclamation. When I was woken up in the morning, I began speaking very quickly and clearly like I had been having conversations all night. That’s why I don’t think I slept very well, because I embraced the transition back into the physical world without the slightest hesitation. I was riding on the high for a while, but I crashed at the end of the day.

I was suddenly consumed by a kind of depression that comes and goes with the days passing. I choose to wait such spells out because I realize that within a matter of time, I will be restored to a happy state. Sometimes it is difficult to tell what triggers such emotional responses. It is not in my nature to be overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness and isolation, since these are forces that I have fought so hard to overcome. That sense of optimism that usually accompanies my feelings of loneliness completely disappears on days like this, and I am left demanding that which I desire, rather than taking the appropriate actions to fulfill such a desire. It’s an incredibly unproductive practice and one which bears heavily on my spirit, but perhaps this sense of optimism that usually accompanies me is somewhat false in nature, because it does not motivate me enough to go out and seek change. I do love the inspiration that it provides though. In my heart and mind, I realize that this is the path to follow. I shouldn’t feel obligated to achieve my desires only when I am forced to confront the pains that result from the emptiness that encompasses my being. That attitude reflects attachment, and I do not seek change because I am attached to change, but rather because I am open to the possibilities that change may provide for me to become an improved person, whether by presenting me with expanded experience or increased knowledge.

I was talking to Drew today about the impact parent’s opinions have on their children’s outlook. I sometimes wonder if parents consider the incredible influence that they have over their children’s perspectives. I am a product of such influence in a variety of ways. Sometimes I seek their love and support so badly that I am willing to sacrifice my rational reasoning and individual desire in order to yield to their expectations. I also become overly concerned with keeping the peace. At this point in my life it’s essential to do this, because I do not need emotional distractions to keep me from completing the tasks at hand. More importantly, I don’t need my relationship with my parents to prevent me from living and maintaining peace of mind, because the state of my relationship with them during difficult times has gotten me so down that I have been left without any sense of hope, and that’s hard to imagine, especially for myself. When dealing with my parents today I try to maintain my values, opinions, and rational mind while acting in ways that don’t cause there to be unrest, which can only be done by respecting their wishes sometimes, and not looking for ways to argue. My pride means far less to me than maintaining a strong relationship with the people who I will be involved with for the rest of my life and who will serve as a continuing source of guidance and inspiration. As long as I do my part, I am not responsible for problems that may arise, which would most likely be the products of another’s desire to create conflict.

I’m going to get back to writing my History paper. Good night Everyone.

Did I see you down
in a young girl's town
With your mother in so much pain?
I was almost there
at the top of the stairs
With her screamin' in the rain.

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.

Will I see you give
more than I can take?
Will I only harvest some?
As the days fly past
will we lose our grasp
Or fuse it in the sun?

Did she wake you up
to tell you that
It was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up,
let me fill your cup
With the promise of a man.

Current Mood: mellow yellow
3:41 am
And it stoned me to my soul
I nearly cried tonight while listening to Jefferson Airplane’s “Today.” Another song of theirs that really draws a lot of emotion out of me is “Embryonic Journey.” It’s completely instrumental, but something about the way it’s played allows me take a journey as the song progresses, hence the title, and leads me to explore a vast expansion of thoughts and emotions throughout its very short duration. On the album that song was released on, Surrealistic Pellow, Jerry Garcia was credited as being a musical and “spiritual adviser.” But back to “Today.” For some reason this was the song that I became emotionally and spiritually attached to during my trip about a year ago. For some reason the lyrics made so much sense and pertained to exactly what I was experiencing at the time- so overcome by love and so overwhelmed by a desire to express what I was feeling in words, but realizing that such an experience could not be expressed by words.

Today you'll make me say that I somehow have changed
Today you'll look into my eyes, I'm just not the same
To be anymore than all I am would be a lie
I'm so full of love I could burst apart and start to cry
Today everything you want, I swear it all will come true
Today I realize how much I'm in love with you
With you standing here I could tell the world what it means to love
To go on from here I can't use words, they don't say enough

I’ve had a very large desire to embrace my emotions by listening to music this evening. It’s been a while, a little bit too long. It would be interesting to go through a long period of time, such as the duration of an entire evening, and record the different effects one’s choice of music has on his or her mood, making sure to note the significance of each musical and emotional transition. Sometimes it’s difficult to make that transition after becoming so emotionally attached to the music that I’ve have had such an intimate experience listening to. That’s how I feel right now. I’m going back and forth from my history paper to this journal entry, so realize that none of these thoughts are being recorded at the same time in the order that I have written them. One would not know this if I did not make such a reference. I think it’s better to let a reflection such as this one sit for a while until ideas come to me and I am inspired to continue writing. I think that I’m better able to complete my ideas this way by giving myself more time to develop these ideas, allowing myself to observe my ranging perspectives as time passes and as I focus my thoughts on various tasks, forcing my mind to travel in different directions. I’m listening to the Grateful dead right now and the mood that this music encompasses as we begin to enter into the late hours of the night, though it is still very refined, differs greatly from that of Jefferson Airplane or Simon and Garfunkel, which is what I was listening to earlier in the evening. Listening to the Dead with my headphones on makes me feel like I’m part of the concert. The band’s playing a concert and I’m working on my paper, but although we’re doing two separate things, we are still connected by the music, and that really keeps me going. If I had to say one thing about the way I’ve been feeling, I’d say that I’m feelin’ groovy. I just looked at myself in the mirror- I don’t look as hot as I feel. Perhaps it’s all the caffeine consumption that keeping me going- another pan of water on the boiler. Let’s make it an even longer night.

This jasmine green tea is delish. While I was waiting for the water to boil, I looked up at pictures on my refrigerator. I saw one Christmas picture of my sister and me, the same picture that our doctor has of us in his files, and I was reminded of how my parents make fun of me for still seeing a pediatrician. Last time this was discussed, they told me that I should look forward to the day when they, my parents, don’t have to be asked permission by some one else to look at my penis. Oh, how I eagerly await that day. I’m getting a little off track from what I wanted to write about tonight. I’d like to now explore a different route and take you through the events of the day.

I just took a break because my dog expressed a desire to go outside. She has no concept of time I suppose. It’s about 1:30 now. Dogs sleep all day anyway. I love the calmness of the night. All is silent except for the familiar buzzing of the street lamps, which cast a cold sheet of orange light onto the ground bellow my feet and provide a surface by which my shadow may travel. I was surprised that I just saw a few cars. Cars always stop to look at this time of night, and if you’re out walking, you’re guaranteed to see the same car twice within a short period of time. It’s as if they drive in circles, not knowing what else they should do at such an hour, but they are intent on doing something other than what is expected, which is allowing their body to rest. By sleeping they could surrender all of their desires to their dreams, and live an entirely different reality than the one which they experience in the conscious state.

We had a model united nations security council meeting at school today. I was gawmany. Towards the end of the meeting, everyone was restless. It was very frustrating to discuss reforming the security council for over 2 hours, listening to various amendments, such as Uganda should be given a position in the security council, when Uganda is a small sub-saharan African country that nobody gives a shit about, which doesn’t even relate to the bigger picture that we hadn’t even discussed what the requirements would be for admittance into the new security council, because we couldn’t pass the goddamn resolution for reform in the first place. So in the last 30 minutes, I started waving my german flag in the air, but no one called on me, so I finally stood up, shouted out, “Point of Order!” and said, “Every body Dance!” Not a moment after I had finished saying this, Colvin stood up and yelled, “Sit down now Robinson!” Just after he said this, Jacob, who was in the back of the chapel, hit play on the stereo causing the junior senior album that had been inserted in the stereo to play over the loudspeakers. It was just like a bad 80s movie. The teachers were looking around, too shocked to do anything, wandering where this music was coming from, as I was doing a jig in my chair, hoping that others would join in. Before too long, the music was turned off and it was back to finishing the boring meeting.

After school we sat around for a while, as Jacob and Miriam played drums. Kara proposed going to see some graffiti off of 360 and I was invited to go.

Forgive me for trying to describe this experience in words. I don’t think Kara realized how much it meant to me to take this adventure, or how much it means to me to take any adventure. I don’t think I even realized how amazing it was to get out and do something like that until I got home. Our trip this afternoon really helped to make the rest of the day go right. We drove down 360 with the windows down, the traffic thick. It had already started to rain, but we continued to cruise along to our destination, with a bob Dylan tape playing of the stereo. We had to walk across 360 to get to where we were going from where we parked, but that wasn’t as bad as we expected. We hopped over a gate to get in. I’d forgotten that I was sore all over, so I had to struggle a little bit to get over the gait. Kara got caught straddling the top of the gate, which I always find makes getting over a tall, wobbly gate quite difficult. This was some kind of water drainage center. It was mostly fields enclosed by tall cement walls, on which the graffiti was painted. At first I wasn’t all that impressed, but as we explored more of what kara referred to as a graffiti museum, my sense of wonder took off and I was astonished by the seemingly endless stretches of graffiti art displayed before my eyes. I liked how the graffiti was spaced out. At the beginning of my observations I noticed that the walls were not too busy, which allowed me to individually appreciate each piece, and I recognized that this also meant there was much room for future additions. Kara led us to the next section of this maze. I didn’t expect for there to be more, but that sense of wonder I described really kicked in as we climbed around one of the walls and reached the top of a hill where we could stare out upon the vast field bellow us and the long stretches of graffiti ahead of us in the distance. I was excited to know that there was more to see. Kara commented on all of the different colors in the landscape, which I thought was an interesting observation, and when it was called to my attention I consciously considered its effect on the entire essence of this place. There were many factors that provided the experience that I had. Of course there were the people, but I mean to call attention to that which was present in nature. The skies were gray this afternoon, and like I wrote before, it had been raining. Usually one would not want to spend one’s time outside under such conditions, but today the weather seem very fitting, because it provided a mood of its own. It almost made me feel more serene, and thus I was better able to appreciate what was around me. At times I even felt like I had escaped the city, caught in the silence and peacefulness of a rainy afternoon. We continued to explore this place, which ended with 2 water gates. Inside the tunnels, our voices bounced off the walls, which somehow calmed me. I would like to go back to this place sometime. I reminisced on those times when I was younger that I was particularly fond of those pink wildflowers- I don’t know what they’re called. But I would wait all year for them to flower, and then I would enjoy sticking them up to my nose, and pulling them off to discover the pollen that had been left on my nose. As we were making our way out of this place, walking across the field, the sun had begun to peek through the clouds, and to our surprise a rainbow was hanging high above us in the gray sky. It was all very beautiful, and like I wrote before, I’m trying to describe this experience as vividly as possibly, though I realize most of what I felt was an emotional response that cannot be put in to words.
Thank you all for reading. Happy 4/20, 3 hours ago. In a bed, in a bed, by the water side I will lay my head, listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul. Fare thee well, fare thee well, I love you more than words can tell, listen to the river sing sweet songs to rock my soul.

Half a mile from the county fair
And the rain keep pourin' down
Me and Billy standin' there
With a silver half a crown
Hands are full of a fishin' rod
And the tackle on our backs
We just stood there gettin' wet
With our backs against the fence

Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Hope it don't rain all day

And it stoned me to my soul
Stoned me just like Jelly Roll
And it stoned me
And it stoned me to my soul
Stoned me just like goin' home
And it stoned me

Then the rain let up and the sun came up
And we were gettin' dry
Almost let a pick-up truck nearly pass us by
So we jumped right in and the driver grinned
And he dropped us up the road
We looked at the swim and we jumped right in
Not to mention fishing poles

Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Let it run all over me

On the way back home we sang a song
But our throats were getting dry
Then we saw the man from across the road
With the sunshine in his eyes
Well he lived all alone in his own little home
With a great big gallon jar
There were bottles too, one for me and you
And he said Hey! There you are

Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Oh, the water
Get it myself from the mountain stream

Current Mood: caffeinated
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
10:48 pm
oh sunny, i dream of you when I sleep at night
Today I was reminded of my Vegas trip when I pulled out a stack of stripper cards from my backpack, a mere fragment of my entire collection, which included Sunny, Jennifer, Britney, and Tiffany, just to name a few. I have doubles and triples of some of them if any of you want to trade. Ry didn’t believe the girls that would show up at your room looked as good as the girls on the cards. I remembered the people on the streets who were handing out the cards, waiting for us to walk by so that they could slap their cards together in order to gain our attention, causing us to raise our heads, and then they would move in, shoving the cards in our faces. I wandered what these people felt like when they went home at night, pondering existence and life’s purpose and being left feeling empty with the realization that they hand out cards for a living with strippers on them so that some rich loser can get lucky for a night. Then there are the guys in orange vests who are paid by the city to walk around and dispose of the thousands of cards on phone polls, stuck in fences, and scattered on the ground, blowing in the wind. Ry wanted to know who would call in and buy a $44/hr whore from this escort service, and I told him that it was the same guy who rented a sports car in Vegas for show, and believe me, when we were there on New Years, that sports car rental lot was empty. Ry then commented that none of it would be worth it after waking up hung over and being forced to accept that you’ve lost 30 years of your life to STDs for one night of pleasure. It’s not even an intimate experience. Sure, she’ll zip your pants down and give you head, but you better not try to kiss her. None of that. Vegas- the American dream- where money buys anything except for true happiness, which is buried under the endless chain of theme-based hotels that all look the same and crushed by the slot machines that strip away the little hope that an old person approaching death has left to comfort him or her.
Last night Desi told me that I should be proud of her. I asked her why I was to feel this way, and she told me that I should commend her because she made out with a gorgeous guy last weekend. After telling her that I would buy her a cake, but only cheap cake from randalls, I responded by suggesting that she should also be proud of me, because I made out with a gorgeous dog last weekend. I went on to tell her that I made it to second base, and the good thing about a dog is that it has 6 nipples that I can twiddle in my fingers. This is about the time when she stopped talking to me. I was just trying to impress her by expressing my more perverted nature. Leave this young lad free to go about committing his merry antics. Boys will be boys.

How about them Horns…I mean, How about that new pope? Tell me what you think. People may have their criticisms, but the guy’s 78 years old. He won’t last too long, so don’t get too shaken up by the changes made. He’ll probably be alive just long enough for the great battle between good and evil, man versus annunaki in the year 2012, which marks the end of the world as we know it.

There’s nothing more agreeable than Wang Chung, so with that said, Everybody have fun tonight, everybody Wang Chung tonight

Current Mood: tengo sueno
Monday, April 18th, 2005
10:28 pm
shake your coconuts.
My ears have been deafened by the piercing dance beats of junior senior. Blood is rushing out of my ears all over my face, ruining the make up that I applied earlier when I decided to stare at myself in the mirror for about an hour. This mascara really brings out my baby blues. Listening to this album makes me want to have a dance party right here in my living room. As I was listening to the album on the way home, I couldn't help bout bear a smile. Omfg girls and boys, general hospital has replaced the old carley with a new one, and she doesn't quite stimulate me the same way as the old one did. I don't think i'll watch the show anymore. Soap talk is playing on the television right now. Stephen asked me about my progress in the long incredibly drawn out process of experiencing sexual intercourse. I informed him that I visited the government web site to look up all registered sex offenders in my neighborhood, and I figured that i'd start there. If I'm not successful in my neighborhood, I'll move on to the surrounding areas, but i'm pretty confident that I'll find what i'm looking for before very long. Wish me luck

Come on
Oh yeah
Come on, come on
Come on, come on

Ooh, ooh

Come on in, hang your coats
Eat our chips, come on, we've got loads
Shake your coconuts, coco boys
Until the nut comes out, come on coco girls

Just keep on dancing now
Just keep on getting down
Just keep on having fun
The party's just begun
Just keep on dancing now
Just keep on getting down
Just keep on having fun
The party's just begun

All dress up, and dress-to-kill
Doctor says, come on, eat your pills
Shake your coconuts, coco boys
Until the milk comes out, come on, coco girls

It's Junior/Senior time to show us you care, hey
Just feel the power put your hands in the air, hey
Hey boys and girls we want to see what you got, hey
We wanna see you shaking coconuts
Shake it

We'll get up, to sing some music
We'll get down, to pass the time
Shake your coconuts, come on, coco boys
Shake you coconuts, come on, coco girls

Just keep on dancing now
Just keep on getting down
Just keep on having fun
The party's just begun

Current Mood: disco
Saturday, April 16th, 2005
8:03 pm
holy matrimony
I enjoyed the wedding today. It took place at Good Shepherd Episcopal Church. I liked how simple the church was. It was very uncluttered and uncomplicated by religious memorabilia typically found in other churches, such as the catholic church, which I belong to. Such a setting distracts the individual from experiencing prayer and meditation, which is what one should gain by going to such a place. It’s always good to keep things simple as far as religion goes- simple, but rational. Some parts of religion are simple but irrational, so people who get caught up too much in that simplicity become blind followers by preventing themselves from thinking on deeper levels and gaining a more complete understanding. I regret that my mind wasn’t all there today. I was very spacy and felt like everything going on around me was extremely surreal. I think that I might have disturbed some people by being so out of touch, but my behavior really wasn’t that big of a deal or that out of order.
Here’s something strange that happened. I was knelt down at the altar to receive communion. I really like how Episcopalians receive communion- it’s more like a community celebration. People gather in groups around the altar and the priest goes around giving out the communion. I was waiting on my pad for a while for the wine to come around. When the priest finally got to me, she began to recite the prayer and I stared up into her eyes, with my hands still folded like I had seen others doing when they received the wine. I was waiting to say “Amen” at the end of what she had to say when she stopped in mid-sentence, jerked the cup away and moved onto the next person. Maybe she thought I was the incarnation of the devil or something. It was very odd. I got up thinking, “wow, this is really awkward.” I’d been kneeling there for quite a while waiting for the wine, and when it finally came, it was stripped away from me. No blood of Christ for Joe. So I just got up and said forget about it. I wondered if any one had paid attention to what happened. It’s nice that the Episcopal church offers communion to anyone who wishes to receive it. The catholic church is very proud to refuse all those who are not catholics the ability to obtain communion within their church. They claim that they are the only one’s who can truthfully bless the bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. Other churches may claim that they have the power to do this, but the Catholic church completely discredits them, because they can be the only ones who possess the power. Nonsense
At the wedding I saw something that amused me. That look that’s so popular with girls nowadays- the big square sunglasses- has now being discovered by middle aged women who are trying desperately to pull off what their daughters aren’t even quite able to pull off. The look was really popular in the sixties, and experienced a revival in the eighties, but now it’s coming back in full force. When I was at the fine arts festival it was as if ripped skirts and big square sunglasses were a dress code requirement. I just thought some of those older women today looked so ridiculous in their formal wear and eighties sunglasses. And what’s the deal with women feeling the need to dye their hair? I didn’t see one woman today who was showing off her natural hair color. If I felt like spending the money, I might go out and buy myself a pair of big glasses that take up my whole face.
Let me share with you all something that my sister just told me. We were talking about Napolean Dynamite, and she said to me that a friend of hers told her that the movie could only be understood if it was viewed a second time. This was my understanding of her friends comment: One must watch it more than once to obtain a full understanding of its complexity because there is so much meaning within that film. My sister confirmed this perspective and I laughed in her face. What a worthless movie, and what worthless people to try to incorporate deep significance into such a work. My sister is excited to watch it again, hoping to discover something that she was not perceptive enough to find during her first viewing of the film. I learned everything I needed to when I watched it the first time, which was that I never needed to watch it again. However, maybe I wouldn’t be so bitter if I watched it again. The day I saw it over the summer I had a really great conversation with a friend of mine before we went into the theater and I was in the mood to see something with substance. Obviously, Napolean Dynamite would displease me by not at all meeting this desire. I’ve also become very stingy as far as spending money goes, especially regarding movies since they’ve become so damn expensive to go see.
I’m going to try to go to Bob Marley Festival tomorrow. I need to have a fresh experience in a positive environment. The weather was beautiful today and I hope it’s just as pleasant tomorrow. I hope I’ll see some of you there.

Current Mood: call me
9:14 am
el mall
I meant to post this last night but I passed out like a highschool girl who's taken too many shots in too little time. Actually, I was just really tired. I passed out like a bitch. We were watching the Pope of Greenwich Village. Daryl Hannah is so sexy in that movie. Before too long I started slipping into obscure thoughts and realized that I was finished. I managed to finish off a cup of rainbow sherbert though.
Last night I had to go to the mall to pick out a suit for a wedding that I’m going to tomorrow. It seems like everyone has gone through a helluva lot of trouble to prepare for the wedding of a family member who my parents claim to despise. It seems hypocritical for my parents to be wasting so much effort. I’m happy I got a nice blazer and pair of slacks. It’s been a while. The mall is as depressing as a golden corral buffet line in Oklahoma. I can’t believe I used to choose to spend my time there. I felt empty, like a zombie, wandering around looking for ways to pass time while waiting for ceecy to arrive. Back in the day I would have enjoyed going to quite a few shops. I journeyed into Suncoast and walked through, pretending to look at the movies, feeling the need to be doing something other than sitting on a bench watching the other lost souls wander the corridors searching for nothing. They wonder if I am staring at them as they pass. Every one is checking each other out. It’s like open staring season at the mall. A chick quickly checked me out head to toe within seconds and then quickly turned around and proceeded on her way towards some unknown destination. She and her friends were probably on their way Nordstroms to go buy just what every girl needs, another pair of goddamned shoes. They actually passed me again while I was sitting in the mall lobby in a leather chair that seemed very out of place with the other pieces of leather furniture, which had been conveniently placed outside of Nordstroms alongside a busy walkway, causing people to hesitate and redirect their steps in order to prevent themselves from walking across the rug that was laid down to add extra scenery to this array of misplaced objects and providing comfort for those who were at the mall and had no where to be. I sat and observed an elderly woman for a while who had such a look of bewilderment on her face as she emptily stared out into space- quite a sight. I’m glad that we didn’t make eye contact. When the girl and her friends walked by they were trying so hard to pretend like they didn’t know or care that I was going to glance at them. It seems to be a naturally occurring reaction in situations such as those. I went to wait in Nordstroms, after finding a good seat for myself deep within the heart of the woman’s shoe section, and as I waited I enjoyed listening to the piano player with the beard and pony tail play classic rock songs in a very classical style. As I watched all of these beautiful girls walk by me in the mall I started to wonder what the first thing they do when they wake up in the morning was. I wandered if they immediately positioned themselves in front of a bathroom mirror and stared at their bodies for a good amount of time, obsessing over their beautiful features and focusing on every physical flaw, searching for ways to do away with them, but still screaming out within about how goddamn HOT they were.
When we went to purchase my suit, Bremond was acting very goofy. He likes to stick his arm down my shirt and twiddle my nipples in his fingers. My nipples begin to get hard, which is uncomfortable, so I pull his arm out. He thinks it’s all quite a gas. Once when he was doing this and I sought to remove the presence of his busy hand from underneath my shirt, ceecy told me to let him alone, because all he wanted to do was feel my skin. Alright….
I’ve been very sleepy this week. I began to reflect today on what a peculiar habit sleep is as far as its relation to individual involvement in society with one’s fellow man. It’s interesting when a human who in a conscious state is able to think rationally and act accordingly, shuts down entirely in order to allow his or her body to rest and becomes useless by allowing him/herself to be completely isolated from the society in which he or she functions normally while still awake. Is sleep a completely individual experience? Or are we connected somehow by this practice, perhaps through our dreams?

Let’s spend the night together

Current Mood: surreal
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
9:13 pm
marry me please. i'll never get laid any other way
I just saw on the news that marriage is now legal for 14 year olds in texas, given parental consent. Any takers? Teen relationships can almost be like marriages any way, and marriages involving adults can be just like teen relationships, except they're really stuck, especially once they have a child together. Wait, that doesn't stop people from doing whatever the hell they want. So, if you're interested in tieing the knot with me leave a comment. I'm a shy talker, but a good eater, which has earned me lots of complements from my grandmother over the years. Not all men are capable of clearing their plates.
I went to ry's house today to listen to this band he's been raving about- the unicorns. I oouldn't quite get into the tunes so I started to look through his parent's records. I was flipping through looking at a bunch of dull soundtracks to musicals when I stumbled along a few Nazi records, including German Marching Music, and Hitler's 2nd symphony. Ry felt like he had to make excuses. He told me that the records had belonged to his grandfather, who had a fascination with german culture. I told ry that I would like to have a sleep over at his house in order to enjoy listening to german marching tunes and the cocaine inspired songs of fleetwood mac. He told me I could never come to his house again.
I feel like onions right now. I taste onions, I smell onions, I feel onions all over my body, on my skin and in the sweat that drips from my brow onto my tongue- i'm just one big goddamn onion. I couldn't even wash down the flavor with milk. I love how my mom offers to take us to hillberts and everytime we go she complains about how tasteless the burgers are. I love them, but she always takes a few bites of hers, complains and throws the rest away. My sister begged my mom to get her whipped yo-plait. It's discusting. Tasting it took my mind off of onions for about a second. I imagine that's what pussy tastes like, minus the peach flavor.
What a suprise. My sister has just turned on general hospital. Too bad she can't fast forward through the commercials.

I was listening to cat stevens this afternoon and i'd like to share these lyrics even though they don't correspond with the general tone of this entry.

He was the King of trees
Keeper of the leaves
A deep green god of young
Love stained memory
We used to meet by him
Far from the hustling town
I loved you
Now theyve come to cut you down

He was the guardian of days
We held the same
Beneath the shade he gave
Shelter from the rain
Oh Lord how its empty now
With nothing save the breeze
Now theyve come to burn the leaves
Dont burn the leaves

And if my mind breaks up
In all so many ways
I know the meaning of
The words I love you
And if my body falls inside
An early grave
The forest and the evergreens
Are coming to take me back
So slowly as I roll
Down the track

The forest and the evergreens
Are coming to take me back
The forest and the evergreens
Are coming to take me back
Please take me back

He was the King of trees
Keeper of the glades
The way he enchanted my life
Makes me so amazed
We used to meet by him
Many years ago
I love you
Now theyve come to lay the road
Dont lay the road

Current Mood: onion fresh
Thursday, March 31st, 2005
9:22 pm
I belive many off us have been affected by the recent events involving Drew. We have tried as his friends in the past to help him put an end to his self destructive patterns- choices he makes that cause him to behave in ways that result in further suffering on his behalf. To an extent, I thought that we all influenced him in positive ways, though he didn't always let us know. However during these particular incidents, i feel like we have all had limited power over the situation. Drew stated that he had control over the entire turn of events, and he was correct. The administration handled all this quite well. Everyone loves drew. He has a lot of admirable qualities, and traits that he can use to get ahead. In other words, drew has always seemed to me like a person with incredible potential. I've marvelled at his potential and his ability to accomplish great tasks with the proper self motivation. Drew has been given the option to take a break and get his shit together, and once he is ready to resume his school year he is welcomed to come back to a place where he seemed to enjoy attending school. His refusal to return and have his privacy be invaded by drug testing and careful attention payed to him by the administration was entirely based on principle. I have been in situations before when I have gotten so caught up thinking about principle that I completely ignore the problem at hand and thus fail to find a solution. Drew decided to make matters worse by seeing what kind of reaction he could get out of his parents once he started breaking shit around his house, and he ended up getting arrested. I think this whole stunt has been meant to get the attention of his parents, because they have been the source of most of his problems, and he's ready to make them suffer for it. I finally put the pieces together. For quite a while drew has been searching for a way to achieve happiness. His current image depends on him maintaing poor living conditions for himself, because as long as he is unhappy, he has depression to attach himself to. He is a man with a purpose- his purpose is to discover happiness, but once this happens he no longer has a problem to be attached to, and thus he can no longer use that as an excuse for his behavior. I've tried to explain before that happiness can only be found within. Happiness is not external, but rather something that permanently exists within us, available to us to withdraw whenever we wish, but first we must discover our power to release it. Drew has searched for power on the outside. He has given up his ability to control his fate and destiny in the hopes that some outside force will discover for him the solution that he so desperately needs. He has commented to me before about how all he wishes is for someone to tell him a word that will open the doors and force him to discover happiness once and for all. This is impossible, because to become awakened one must spend time and effort to do so, and in order for one to learn, one must undergo experiences that help one to gain a better understanding of one's potential to awaken such states as happiness, love, and peace. Drew said that through out this turn of events he has been in control, but what is happening in his realm of being is no different than what was happening before. He is triggering a chain of events through his actions that will have a certain effect on him. He hopes that he can make things get as bad as they possibly can, so that he no longer has room to think or act and he is able to be contained while some one else decides his fate for him. He is searching for answers in some other place, other than his own conscious. In the past he has done this by using drugs, by seeing a psychiatrist, and by other means, and now he is essentialy doing the same thing. By the time this is all over he will have found some answer, and maybe that's enough to give him peace of mind. It won't be too fun going through rehab, because drew is a fairly rational person, but he will have no other choice because he has sacrificed his freedom to act independently hoping that someone else with come up with a solution that he believes himself to be uncapable of discovering. He is still putting his life in the hands of outside forces, though he wants to believe that he has gained full control. This power trip is all for nothing.

By acting the way he has, Drew has only hurt those who are closest to him. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am concerned about him, but at the same time I realize that something will come of all this, I just don't know what. I am more concerned about the people who really cared and thought that they could have some impact on drew's decision making throughout this entire process. There are a lot of people who really love him. Kara is one, but there are many others. They will never stop caring, no matter how poor drew's choices are. I wish that he could acknowledge this through his actions rather than meaninglessly apologizing for himself using his words. In truth he is the only one who he is responsible for, but he is also not alone on this journey. Other people have chosen to be a part of his life. It's so important to realize that people choose to associate with him and to share experiences with him. They make a choice. They choose to be concerned about his well being. They don't simply do so because they feel some obligation. I sure as hell haven't. I've been pretty irritated by all of this, but at the same time I am concerned about him because I choose to be, because I love the kid.

I'm about to go to the airport to pick up stephen. I regret that drew can not be with us to celebrate this wonderful time. It won't be the same without him.
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
10:12 pm
That path is for your steps alone
That sweet smell I was smelling all of yesterday and last night turned out to be a bottle of sandalwood oil that busted in my backpack. I knew it was a familiar aroma. It’s my favorite kind of incense. Now everything in my back pack smells like sandalwood and many of my papers are covered in red oil. I first discovered this today when I lifted out a paper, saw a red oily spot on it, put it to my nose, and once I smelled it everything added up.
I was driving through the ranch tonight. My eyes were drawn to the blaring lights coming from the uncompleted highway construction. The thing that I’ve always liked about the ranch is that it’s dark. One can drive through Austin and suddenly one will reach a place that doesn’t really fit in with its surroundings. At night the land is dark. Wherever humans move, they feel a need to light up the area. We have this fear of the dark, but light is one of the greatest illusions in our existence. Pure darkness is absolute truth. Austin has grown a lot and now it has reached where this land is. The land is being engulfed by the city, and it’s sad to see it go. It’s not sad because it’s mine. It’s sad because places like it are disappearing. We’d rather build highways so that people can get where they need to go in the most convenient manner. Have you ever thought about how our whole society is actually built around roads. Roads no longer simply connect places. The road often comes before the destination. We easily forget that we come from the earth and that we are one with it once our attention becomes focused on how we can make our lives easier, but in essence we complicate our lives by separating ourselves from what is pure and what is true. Christina told me the other day to admire the tall prairy grasses, because they too are fading from existence. I enjoy visiting the creeks and springs and thinking to myself, this is where the Indians used to play. They knew what was important. I’ve said before, the only things that we need to survive are food, rest, and shelter. The rest is up for us to create. Sometimes those creations benefit us and sometimes they harm us. Time will tell. My father and his father excavated an Indian mound many years ago. That Indian mound was wiped out to build a highway. There have been numerous freak car wrecks where that mound was destroyed, and Christina swears that they were caused by the Indian spirits who dwelled there.
Today what started out as innocent fun turned into a big dramatic event, and things happened which shouldn’t have as a result of people’s choices. Drew and Jacob carried all of the benches on the hill out in front of the chapel and stacked them up like a stair case. There was one bottom stair, two for the next, and three for the final. When students got out of class, they gathered to stare in awe at the bench formation. It really wasn’t anything to get too excited about, but whenever any thing out of the ordinary happens at our school, it drives people crazy. Jacob took pictures as drew sat up on the top bench with his brief case laid out in front of him. Before too long, after everyone had stopped and stared a while, the deans came out and looked over the benches with their arms crossed. Drew escaped the blame for the incident, but then he decided that it would be funny to run back around behind the deans and charge up the stair way of benches, diving off when he reached the top level. He did this and the deans didn’t notice for a minute because they had their backs turned. But when Drew hit the ground he let out a loud scream and took off running. The deans yelled at him to come back, but he instead kept running, which angered them. He was pulled out of his afternoon classes and questioned. I think that he’s been red flagged by a lot of teachers lately. It creeps the hell out of me, because I know that the teachers communicate with each other and that they pay special attention to students who behave strangely at times. They sure as hell don’t want any suicidal kids- save the school from the bad reputation- kick them out as soon as possible once kids demonstrate suicidal tendencies. Later in the afternoon, Drew was escorted to a car and driven to a lab to be drug tested. They didn’t even tell them where they were taking him. I think it’s pretty fuckked up what happened to him, and I wonder how the administration will choose to deal with further matters. Hang in there man. I was thinking about all this bull shit and for some reason the Dead song Ripple really reflected my mood. We’ll get there someday.

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

You who choose to lead must follow,
But if you fall you fall alone,
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home.
Monday, March 28th, 2005
11:01 pm
Surf's Up
I started smelling something this afternoon that resembled the smell of sweet incense, like something i'd smell at a concert or a place where hippies gather and light up a variety of things. The smell is so familiar, and that is why it comforts me at this moment. I believe the smell is comming from my book bag, but i'm not interested enough to find out right now.
I went to Port Aransas this past weekend. I've been meaning to write about it, and I figured that now is a good time considering that i'm in the mood to write.
When I think about the trip, I make a lot of associations with the music I was listening to. This is true on a lot of occasions. Lately, since my choice in music has really reflected the moods I've been in, these music associations are even more present on various occasions. I often find myself searching for a way to embrace certain emotions all brought to life by what is happening around me or outside of me that create a desire or longing within me to feel some way.
We got out of Austin at about 1 am on Friday morning. It takes my step mom so long to pack. My dad came home around 5 on Thursday afternoon. She was sitting around watching soap operas and complaining about how difficult is was for her to pack. We finally got on the road though. It was too late to stop for Barbeque in Lockhart. Later on I ended up getting an egg roll and corn dog from a corner store, but they both tasted like shit. I think that I listened to all of the Velvet Underground's albums this weekend. I started the car ride with their last album, the self titled on. It was far out. "Candy says, I've come to hate my body."
A few hours into the trip, ceecy started seeing spots and got this horrible headache so I had to take the wheel of the suburban. She stayed up and talked to me for a while, but eventually she passed out and I was left all alone to drive the long stretch from Goliad to Refugio in the late hours of the night, after sleeping very few hours the night before. I foudn myself falling asleep on the road. It was scary shit. I should have pulled off, but I knew that ceecy was in no shape to drive. As I stared into the lines on the highway, things would jump out at me. Once it appeared as if rabbits were darting across the road. I glared into my dad's tail lights ahead of me, which were the only thing I could focus on. THe lights blurred as I wandered off into that state of mind that one reaches during the transition from the conscious world to realm of the subconscious. I started created scenarios in my head. Once there was a car behind me. I swore that it was a cop. I thought, any minute now, I'm going to pass out, my car will swerve, and that pig behind me is going to pull me over. I never got pulled over, but I was fading in and out.
I wish I would have written about this at the beach, because the entire time I was there, I was overwhelmed by my feelings of happiness and desire. We arrived at our house around 4. My parents poured themselves some wine and so did I. I was filled with the desire to listen to Sloop John B. First though, I had to help put my brother to sleep. I ended out passing out on the bed with my sister and brother. My parents walked in to discover me lying on my stomach with my legs hanging off the bed and Bremond had fallen asleep on my back. I went to my bed and turned on Pet Sounds to played for the first time on the trip.
I woke up in the morning and got stuck taking care of Bremond. My parents decided to pull an all nighter, so they pretty much slept the first part of the day away. The weather was very gloomy while we were there, but for some reason it didn't bother me. The weather set a certain mood. As I wandered through my thoughts during the trip, Brian Wilson's lyrics and music from Pet Sounds echoed through my head. That album emcompasses so many different emotions, all of which I can relate to at different times. I thought about summer jobs. When I listened to the Sloop John B I thought about how much I would like to work on a ship for a summer just for the experience of escaping and working hard in a completely different environment.
Even though the weather was a drag, I still wanted to go to beach very badly, more so than I have the past few times I've been. I walked down the beach for a while with my sister, observing the other people as we passed, singing beach boys songs to myself, and enjoying the cool breeze blow against me. The water was still warm. I convinced my sister to grab a boogie board and paddle out with me. I rode a few waves, which was a lot of fun. I love swimming out as far as I can and turning back to see that the current has carried me far away from where I started. I've always been pretty fearless about that sort of thing. I remember the good old days when I had no fears at all. It wasn't until I was told that there are sharks and sting rays and crabs in the ocean with me that I began to worry about them. I've tried to get over those worries though.
After I returned from the beach I finally felt complete. As we packed up on Sunday, my dad played the Velvet Undergrounds first album with Nico on it. It really really hit the spot. As we got further into the album where all the added tracks were I got even more into it. I heard some things that I hadn't listened to before. There were more jams and Nico rambling on in that strange but sexy accent of hers. I reccomend it.
Of course right before we left the weather got to be beautiful. It looked beautiful the whole morning outside as I stared out into the channel watching the ships pass by, the sun reflecting off the water, and the pelicans fighting to stay afloat because the wind was bearing down on them and the water with great intensity. The problem outside in the morning was that it was so damn windy, but right as we were leaving the weather was perfect. I got to get my crab cake sandwich right before we entered the ferry line and left the island.
I am grateful that the weather was beautiful though, because I always enjoy the drive home on days like that. It really lifts my spirits. The sky is blue and there are large white clouds, the air is cool, the plants are green, and the sun shines down to light the earth. The drive home was wonderful. We got held up in Cuero at an antique store. This place was a real trip. The store is packed with so much stuff and it's located in an old hotel, so there are multiple rooms where all the antiques are crammed into and you have to look around to find hidden treasure. The top floor had 19 rooms. All were very small. I would love to live in a place like that and have all those rooms to do different things to. No room would be the same. As we came into austin, the sun began to set, which made the sky turn a pinkish purple. A wonderful end to a lovely vacation. It wasn't so much the vacation that moved me, but instead the good energy that was all around and the emotions that I felt throughout the trips, which lifted my spirits.
People always talk about how the salt water helps to cure different ailments. That's kind of how I feel about the entire essense of the beach. Perhaps the salt water can even cure a person of negativity and restore his or her life to happiness- offer me a moment of peace and I will never forget what it consists of.
I'll close with Brian Wilson lyrics:

A diamond necklace played the pawn
Hand in hand some drummed along, oh
To a handsome man and baton
A blind class aristocracy
Back through the opera glass you see
The pit and the pendulum drawn
Columnated ruins domino

Canvass the town and brush the backdrop
Are you sleeping?

Hung velvet overtaken me
Dim chandelier awaken me
To a song dissolved in the dawn
The music hall a costly bow
The music all is lost for now
To a muted trumperter swan
Columnated ruins domino

Canvass the town and brush the backdrop
Are you sleeping, Brother John?

Dove nested towers the hour was
Strike the street quicksilver moon
Carriage across the fog
Two-Step to lamp lights cellar tune
The laughs come hard in Auld Lang Syne

The glass was raised, the fired rose
The fullness of the wine, the dim last toasting
While at port adieu or die

A choke of grief heart hardened I
Beyond belief a broken man too tough to cry

Surf's Up
Aboard a tidal wave
Come about hard and join
The young and often spring you gave
I heard the word
Wonderful thing
A children's song

Child, child, child, child, child
A child is the father of the man
Child, child, child, child, child
A child is the father of the man
A children's song
Have you listened as they played
Their song is love
And the children know the way
That's why the child is the father to the man

Current Mood: settling down
10:12 pm
Stormy Monday
I know we’ve come a long way. We’re changing day to day, but tell me, where do the children play?
My sister got very frustrated when I decided to have another Beach Boys sing along on our excursion to my dad’s house this afternoon during 5 o’clock traffic on Mopac heading north bound. Then when we got in the car to leave, she asked me to make her a cd that includes the beach boys songs we were listening to. So she secretly likes it. She probably just doesn’t like the way I hit the high octaves and choose to sing along to the most annoying and high pitched parts of the songs. I hit a note that I didn’t realize I could hit, but as I waited for it to come up I told myself that I would hit that note, and after I did I was pretty much knocked out of commission. When I tried to sing after that, I would start coughing. Blood!!!
I heard riders on the storm driving back to my house. It’s been a beautiful day and it is still very nice and clear outside. But listening to that song still made me feel like I was driving home on a stormy evening.
Over the weekend at the beach, my family and I stayed up late one night dieing easter eggs. We roused my sister out of bed. She was so out of it. She sat there at the table with her mouth hanging open and a small sponge in her hand, which she used to glob dye onto the eggs. I cracked up when we finally convinced her to just go back to sleep, and she left her sad eggs on the table with a few smears of dye on them. It looked like she tried to do spots on one and stripes on another, but they ended up being a mess and were left almost completely white. When my dad and I were running out of eggs we took hers and dropped them in the bowls filled with dye. We could still tell afterwards though that they were her shitty eggs.
Tonight my dad hid the hard boiled eggs around our yard as we guided my small brother on an egg hunt. He was really into it for a while. He would run up and pick up an egg and drop it in his wagon. We could hear the impact of the eggs when they cracked. We would applaud him after every egg he’d receive. Eventually he lost interest. Being aware of my family’s past experiences with food fights, it would not have been difficult for one to predict what would happen next. We started throwing the eggs at each other. My sister and step mom couldn’t hit shit. They throw like girls. I guess that’s because they are girls. I nailed my sister right in the stomach and watched the egg shatter. Every one got in on the action. I hit Ceecy in the thigh with a really hard egg. It took my sister a really long time to hit me, but she finally did. It was a direct hit to my right testicle and it really fucking hurt. I’ve always thought it’s ridiculous when guys get all dramatic and put on a big show when they get hit in the nuts. I guess I haven’t been hit in the balls in a long time, because I’d forgotten how bad it really hurts. I took it like a man though. I told my sister that she lowered my sperm count. Too bad. I reckon the count’s already pretty low and I’m trying to get a girl pregnant right now, because I think babies are so gosh darn cute, and I could raise one. I really could! I would dress him in only the finest Ralph Lauren attire. I could have a job and go to school and buy my baby food and provide a house. It’s all possible It could all happen- just like that McDonald’s commercial says. Oh wait…There’s just one problem…I have to have a girl to do all that. Never mind. All you hos out there, if you’re interested in being provided for by a very fine gentlemen with all the goods leave your digits. If I don’t hear from any of you I’ll just wait to grab a chick at the next MacCallum party after I slip a few date rape drugs into her drink. I’ll watch as she sips her little red cup, her eyes sparkling with desire, surrounded by all the goddamn make up that she’s layered on her face. She’s hoping that she’ll meet a fine foot ball player tonight, and fulfill her dream of sexual intimacy and romance. Instead, she’ll get the in-out in-out as sloppy as it comes and get knocked up as a result from some loser who sits in his room all night writing internet journals and completing his latest lite brite picture from a stencil. A preacher on TV told me that sex always results in STDs or pregnancy or both. ALWAYS!!! I really got deep into this shit. For the record none of this reflects my current mood. I suppose that I’ve been permanently traumatized by all the Maury that I watch in the afternoon. General Hospital should be good this week guys.

Current Mood: green tea fix
Thursday, March 24th, 2005
12:02 am
Late Lament
Breathe deep the gathering gloom,
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day's useless energy is spent.
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one;
Lonely man cries for love and has none;
New mother picks up and suckles her son;
Senior citizens wish they were young.

Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colours from our sight,
Red is grey and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion.

When I find myself sitting in my room night after night, tending to the same business, I almost always experience a desire to open my door and escape for a little while, whether that meant going to find some one to be with, or getting in my car and going somewhere, or simply taking a walk through my neighborhood during the late hours and allowing my spirit to be comforted by the serene presense of the night around me. I go to bed almost every night with these desires still stirring within me. Every night ends the same way, with nothing accomplished but the usual routine. I start thinking early in the night and the desire is so alive from beginning to end. The night is a lonely time, but it is also a good time for contemplation and reflection. I've learned a lot about myself during the late hours of the night. Tonight though I finally walked out my door and took a jog through the neighborhood to get my blood running and to wake me up a little bit. The buzzing of the street lights, the insides of the houses completely dark- the world has gone to sleep, all except for me it seems and a few people who roam the streets in their cars coming home from bars or going out to bars. It does wonders. I studied phyics for an hour, while listening to Ravi Shankar play the sitar, which relaxed me but at the same time made me alert, and now i'm ready to retire a satissfied person.
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
10:44 pm
I've forgotten the way you taste

Today was a beautiful day. I don't enjoy being at school though. I'm surrounded by wonderful people every day, but I feel as if they and I as well are unable to express ourselves fully in the school environment. We do not allow our spirits to shine to their full potentials. I'm unable to say everything I would like to in the small periods of time which I have to converse. I could talk to someone all day if given the opportunity. I suppose that gives me something to look forward to when I'm cut off. I'll always have a reason to talk to those people another time. It is a little difficult to see certain people outside of school. If it wasn't for the school experience that I share with them, I might not even know them at all, and for that reason I am grateful. St. Stephens is a wonderful environment. I am not turned off by that place. I don't wish to escape from it whenever I get the chance. I feel like grand things could happen there if we were all able to break past this barrier we have created based on the idea that we are going to a school because we have to and that the only good purpose it serves is to educate us so that we may experience a prosperous future. It's much more than that. We spend so much time there, so our lives are very much affected by what goes on at school. Why let our expression be limited by our enviornments. There is no reason for it. I'll have more to say about this another day.

I'm going the beach this weekend. I'm pretty psyched. I'm ready for that nice drive, with groovy tunes. I enjoy smelling the sea air as we float across the water on the ferry and I realize that I have finally arrived. I haven't travelled many places, but Port Aransas has always been a favorite destination of mine.

You, who are on the road must have a code that you can live by.
And so become yourself because the past is just a good bye.
Teach your children well, their father's hell did slowly go by,
and feed them on your dreams, the one they picks, the one you'll know by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you, you would cry,
so just look at them and sigh and know they love you.

Current Mood: tengo sueno
Monday, March 21st, 2005
10:47 pm
i'm feelin' fine
Roky Erickson is on the cover of the Chronicle. He looks like a fucking crazy. I guess he is though. Here's a song he wrote.

Chaos all around me,
with it's finger clinging,
but I can hear you singing,
in the corners of my brain.
Every doubt has found me.
Every sound of grows drier.
Everything is quiet.
But the song that keeps me sane.
I can hear you're voice,
echoe in my voice softly.
I can feel your strength,
reinforcing mine.
If you fear I'll lose my spirit,
like a drunkard's wasted wine,
don't you even think about it,
I'm feelin' fine.

I wish I could be like ry and say that I've given up masturbation. Actually I could say it as much as I wanted, but who would believe me. There's nothing worse than getting a call from a friend and having to tell that person to call back in 5 minutes and that person being able to tell by the tone of my voice and by the specific circumstances what the hell i'm up to. Or how about picking up the phone and losing all interest once i've had to sit through a conversation with my mom. I thought i'd share this. I'm sorry that I can't put it into a sexy song like Britney Spears, but why bother, because it would fail to stimulate most audiences. How about I ask another question. Why are we always compelled to finish even if we have lost the desire to do so. Is there something inside of me that longs to complete a simple task. The truth is, the urge comes and goes. I'm just hanging in there. Here's a verse from a short story by Samuel Beckett:
"I scratched myself in an upward direction, with four nails. I pulled on the hairs, to get relief. It passed the time, time flew when I scratched myself. Real scratching is superior to masturbation, in my opinion. One can masturbate up to the age of seventy, and even beyond, but in the end it becomes a mere habit. Whereas to scratch myself properly I would have needed a dozen hands."

I have a rash on my arm. It's better than having a rash on my balls, because i've had that too. It's not so fun to scratch, but I find it interesting when I scratch it in my sleep. I find everything that I do while sleeping to be interesting, especially when I cough and slightly wake up and wonder if I really just coughed. Scratching myself is like that. I wonder if I really was scratching myself and then I wake up to discover the rash has grown much larger and there lies the answer to my question. As long as it doesn't spread to my scrotum and i'm not having to rub some sick cream down there for a week to make it go away,that will be swell. That's what happened once when I decided to relieve myself in nature, using leaves to wipe my ass. I don't know how the fuck babies stay comfortable with all that powder and shit all over them. Damn.

Current Mood: itchy
Sunday, March 20th, 2005
8:58 pm
mom, thanks for sending me to catholic school
I once had a dream
So I packed up and split for the city
I soon found out that my lonely life wasn't so pretty
I'm glad I went now I'm that much more sure that we're ready

Why are cops always out on sunny days and nowhere to be found on miserable days? I told Jacob last night that I had discovered something my sister had written that was on my refrigerator. There was a card that said, “Mom, thanks for sending me to a Catholic school.” I asked my sister why she wrote that. She told me that her teacher made all the students do it.

Today at temple, the abbess said something that presented me with a new perspective regarding matters that I had reflected on in the past. She spoke about how disciples of the Amitaba Buddha would go door to door and hold out their bowls to request food. Today when we think of homeless people standing around and asking people for money, we don’t hold these people in high regards, because they do nothing to improve our society. We think of begging as demeaning and a sign of low self worth on the part of the individual who is dependent on the favors of others. However, the abbess said that for the monks who asked for food, that was an act of humbleness. We often think that when people ask us for favors, we are the only ones who have to make sacrifices. But the monks also made a sacrifice. By asking for food, they were demonstrating that their survival was subject to the good will of others. They were showing that there were greater forces than their own in existence, and that they had to depend on their fellow humans to live. They had to sacrifice their pride and admit that they were not alone in this world and that the presence of others in their lives greatly impacted their individual journeys. Buddhism teaches that we are all on this journey together, which I’ve written about a lot and which I’ve come to realize from my own experiences more and more in recent times.

While talking to Desi about great awakening experiences the other day, I thought of something that really makes sense. When someone talks about a great awakening experience, one cannot ignore the events leading up to that experience, what came after, and what continues to happen in the present as a result of one’s choices and actions. To be in an awakened state does not simply mean to have one enlightening experience that completely alters one’s perceptions. Being awakened can be like Desi said- spending time with friends without having a care in the world and having no other desire but to be in that place right then with those people sharing the same experience. When we are not having times like these we wish we were. Like Kara said, she has experienced peace and realizes that it will always be a part of her. I feel the same way. I have experienced love, peace, happiness and realize that although I’m not always having further experiences that cause me rediscover those feelings, they are permanently within me and can be unleashed at any time.

I spent the night with Jacob and saw Robots. I told him it was going to be a kid’s movie but he didn’t believe me. I grow weary of seeing the same plot replayed in every mediocre film that I watch. We went to shana’s house. She played harp, which I thought was very cool. She also had a beautiful hooka, but it’s only for decoration. That was a little bit frustrating. Jacob and I retired at his house. He put on Simon and Garfunkel, which really hit the spot. I enjoyed listening to the Boxer, America and Homeward Bound and singing along.

Today I went with Drew, Kara, Sophie, Wynne, Sierra, and Michael to Barton Creek. There are so many groovy places to go in South Austin. It was a cool spot where we jumped off cliffs into the cool water bellow. We were sitting on a ledge 40 feet high that Michael said he would jump off of. We sat around for close to an hour waiting for him to jump. The more he thought about it, the more scared jumping made him. I sat there watching him take one step forward and then take one step back over and over again. Finally, after pretty much all of us had climbed back down, I saw him flying down and when he impacted it made a loud noise. I’ve enjoyed spending so much time outside this break. It’s a drag we have to go back to school tomorrow, but it will be over soon.

I can’t wait because yesterday I saw the preview to a Jumanji sequel. As I watched the preview about kids discovering a board game in their basement that when it is played makes shit happen in real life, I thought, damn…they couldn’t come up with a better idea for a kid’s movie so they decided to just remake jumanji, but the story was altered just a little bit. Then on the screen I saw that it had been written by the same author who wrote Jumanji. That’s just about as bad. I suppose most of the books he writes are about kids finding old games that alter reality. I hope he stopped writing.

I know so many people who think they can do it alone
They isolate their heads and stay in their safety zones

Now what can you tell them
And what can you say that won't make them defensive

I know there's an answer
I know now but I have to find it by myself

They come on like they're peaceful
But inside they're so uptight
They trip through their day
And waste all their thoughts at night

Current Mood: sex me up
Saturday, March 19th, 2005
9:41 pm
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
but I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you, but my words
just blow away, just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
and I can't think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, I'm always walking with you
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you
I'm always talking to you, and I'm sad that
you can't hear, sad that you can't hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
when I look and you're not there
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
and -- each night and day I pray, in hope
that I might find you, in hope that I might
find you, because hearts can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
but I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you....
It always ends up to one thing honey
and I can't think of right words to say
1:19 pm
we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun
Yesterday I went with Desi to the green belt. It was another beautiful day. I really suck at directions so we spent about a half an hour driving around down town before we finally made it to Zilker. We walked far- farther than I did with Jacob last week. We made a few stops along the way. At our last stop I took my shoes off and walked around in the cool water. I wanted Desi to come swim with me, but she didn’t want to have to walk all the way back in wet jeans. We agreed that we would both come back another time to swim. We had walked for about 4 hours. I’ve found a new favorite place to spend a nice day, and I’m sure that there are many other places like it in the area that I have yet to discover.

We went to Sandys to get corn dogs. They were damn good. I’d talked to my mom while we were on the trail. She told me that I had to get my haircut before I came home. I’ve been playing the haircut game with her for the past 2 weeks, dodging her every time, and each day telling her, “I promise I’ll get it tomorrow,” but instead letting the days pass by without doing anything. It took us a long time to get back north west because I got turned around again, and then when I finally got where I wanted to be, I was stuck in 5 o’clock traffic. We went to Supercuts. I don’t think I’d ever been there before. Jacob Sager has been trying to talk me into going there for a while, but I haven’t wanted to. I throw a big drama when it comes to my hair. I always put off hair cuts for the longest time, because I have some inner fear that the person cutting my hair will fuck it up (it’s happened a few times). I guess it’s not really a problem, because hair grows back. Desi wanted to cut my hair, but I wouldn’t let her, even though she told me that she had cut plenty of guy’s hair and that they were all happy with what she did. The woman at super cuts laughed at me when I asked her if they did perms. Desi was leaned up against the mirror while I was getting my hair cut. She kept asking the woman cutting my hair questions about women’s hair styles in a magazine that caused her to stop cutting my hair and turn around to look at the magazine. I could tell she was getting aggravated. Desi got her hair cut too. I enjoyed sharing that experience with her.

We went back to my house and Jacob came over. A while back my neighbor paid me for mowing her yard in 35 fresh one dollar bills that I kept in an envelope to show off to people. When I showed the money to Desi, she took it away and put it all kinds of places and crinkled up my bills. I had to scramble on the ground to pick them all up when she and Jacob started throwing the bills up in the air. Jacob drove us to Sonic where we met Chris Thacker.

Desi ate a grilled cheese sandwich at Sonic, because she was hungry again. I was kidding when I told her that after Sonic, she ought to go next door to Long John Silvers to get something there, but she took the suggestion seriously. We drove through the LJS’s drive through and got 12 hush puppies. Why 12? We sure as hell couldn’t eat them all. Chris went ahead and ordered her 12 because he thought it was a good deal. Desi was shoving hush puppies in our mouths as we drove down the road.

We arrived at a party way far south where Tomas’ band was playing. I was surprised because I saw Sophie and Wynne right when I walked in the door. The party was kind of weak though so we went to a McCallum party in Hyde Park instead. I was telling Desi that at every Mac party I’ve been to, the same people are always there. It’s not like a particular group of friends or clique-it’s just the same people who like show up to parties. That party was weak too. Mac parties are really relaxed. People just sit around and toke up. That’s not my scene. I like more excitement. Besides not being great friends with many people at the party, I didn’t drink either, so it wasn’t too exciting. Desi and I sat down in a doorway and watched all the people who passed by us. One girl was pretty fucking wasted. She nearly fell on Desi.

I had to go home to check in with my mom so Desi got picked up at my house. I was bummed she had to go, because the night got pretty lame after she left. Thanks for spending the day with me Desi. I had a really nice time. Chris and I sat in my room awhile. He wanted me to put my Puma warm up on before we snuck out to go back to the party. Chris picked up his foreign exchange friend from Portugal. We drove back to that same party that sucked and then went back to Francisco’s house. He had a really groovy 2 story play house in the back of his host family’s yard. We sat in the top room, which was very small and furnished with bean bags. Chris told me about how he lost his keys in that room one time and had to search for a half an hour to find them. If you saw this room, you’d realize how ridiculous that is. I felt pretty buzzed after 2 beers. I don’t know what my deal was. I was really tired and being in that small room fucked with me. Francisco kept laughing at me because he thought I was really drunk. He quickly handed me a third beer probably thinking that it would fuck me up a lot more. I stepped outside to take a leak off the side of the porch. Chris asked me if I was throwing up. I thought, what the fuck is he talking about. I’d only had 3 beers. I listened to Francisco tell stories about when he first came to Austin. He said somehow he got invited to a party with all girls. He was pretty psyched until they all started fucking around with each other. I think it really shook him up, when it hit him that the reason there were no other guys at the party was because it was a lesbian kick back.

We hopped in Chris’ car and drove to the Taco Cabana on Burnet road. It was pretty hoppin’ at 3 in the morning. We sat down and Francisco kept laughing at Chris, because he thought Chris was eating his Cabana bowl like an animal; like he’d been starving for days. While we were eating, Francisco suddenly spoke very loudly, “I hate Mexicans!” Chris started wigging out, because we were surrounded by Mexicans in the restaurant who looked like they were ready to fight. We got the fuck out of there. Francisco’s whole reason for not liking Mexicans is because people think he is one, but he thinks he’s superior to Mexicans and doesn’t want to be compared to them. That kid was a fucking trip.

Chris and I got back to my house and passed out listening to the groovy beats of Bob Marley. Not too long ago I heard Paul Simon on the radio and for a second I thought summer had come. Then I realized that summer’s a while off, and that this spring break is coming to a close.

Current Mood: ready to accomplish something
Thursday, March 17th, 2005
9:36 pm
80s party
I got back from Smellville today. It was relaxing to be there, though I prefer Austin much more during times like these. My grandparents took me to a farmers market and I bought some vegetable plants that I’m going to try to grow. I’m excited and I hope I can actually be successful. If I’m not, it’ll be a learning experience nevertheless. Thoreau’s philosophy was that in order to gain the greatest appreciation for life, it is important to create life and sacrifice a part of ourselves to preserve that life. This could refer to a plant or it could even refer to a child.

Before I left, I went to Carleton’s 80s party. Desi accompanied me. I did my hair flock of seagulls style and wore a puma warm up suit with my American flag high tops. Desi applied mascara to my one eye that was exposed and not covered by bangs. Desi looked very stunning for the occasion. After a last minute goodwill run, she acquired a mini skirt, black stockings, a baggy day glo yellow shirt with a cut out collar, and
a sports braw that she wore underneath. She even had the side ways pony tail action going on complete with scrunchee. Her face was made up and she wore big earrings. Fucking beautiful.

We arrived at the party. Carleton nearly fell over laughing at the sight of us. I brought in a stack of 80s LPs. The kitchen counter was lined with liquor. Destin came in and his first comment was, “I guess we’re just having fire water tonight.” It took a while for the party to get going. It began with an 80s mix that started with “Angel is a Centerfold.” Some one had brought in a strobe light that set the dancing mood. Whip It came on. I couldn’t resist anymore. I jumped up and the dancing commenced. I sang along because I know all the damn lyrics. A few shots relaxed me. Desi was well on her way to getting drunk. A lot of other girls came, including the Germans. They were totally decked out 80s core. They’d spent all day getting the costumes together. There was a group on the porch toking up and talking the hole night, but the real party was inside on the living room dance floor. We rocked out to Jesse’s girl, Hungry like the wolf, the talking heads. John Matlock went off. I commended him the whole night. He never stopped dancing from about 10-4. Desi got really trashed. She took me upstairs to try to show me that my eyes were much bigger than hers by looking in the bathroom mirror. On the way back down, she tripped down the stairs and knocked her head on the window sill. My friends behind me told me that I ought to find her a bed. Desi may have been drunk but she was in high spirits, and that’s what matters. I got her to get on the phone with her mom. Desi’s mom came to pick her up around midnight. She brought along Desi’s friend Chris who greeted me with a scowl as a lifted Desi up off the pavement and said, “Hey man, long time no see.” Desi was hauled off. I was really bummed she had to leave because the night hadn’t even begun and she’s a fun person to party with.

Back inside the group on the dance floor bonded to Interpol. There were really wonderful vibes all around. Everyone was just the right amount of drunk so all were in high spirits and the party flowed smoothly. People came and went. Eventually I was all alone in the living room. I decided it was time for me to start playing some of the music I brought. I grabbed a beer and put on the “Head over Heels” single by Tears for Fears. I sat there staring into the strobe and everything was just perfect at that moment. After that I put on the Pretenders. Finally I put on Wham and I walked up the stairs to see what the hell every one else was doing. I could smell the reefer smoke as I approached Carleton’s room. The place was smogged out. When I entered the people inside realized Wham was playing down stairs and rushed out the door back to the dance floor. From then on I took care of the music. I played Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Then I put on Flock of Seagulls. Carleton stood in front of the window facing the people out on the porch and as he danced he stripped down to his heart covered boxers to the song, “I Ran.” As he was pulling off his clothes he said, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” A Flock of Seagulls can do strange things for people. People came back to the dance floor for one last go. I put on Planet Claire by the B52s. Carleton commented on how much he hated the B52s but how perfect Planet Claire was at that moment. We even boogied down to Rock Lobster. “There goes a manaray! There goes a dog fish! There goes a jelly fish!” We ended the night where we started with Angel is a Centerfold.

People disappeared into different rooms. I ended up in Carleton’s room with John Matlock and Christian. We weren’t quite ready to go to sleep, so we decided to raid all of the rooms we could get into. It was easy to steal Destin’s and Alex’s sheets and pillows. They were cashed. We stood there and knocked repeatedly on the one of the bathroom doors that was locked and prevented us from raiding Carleton’s sister’s room. Zoey came to the door looking very exhausted. She’d just finished getting cleaned up after having sex with Will. She’d showered and blow dried her hair and put on a gown. I remembered seeing Zoey and Will sneak off earlier in the night. I shouted out, “Look at those two sneaking off to go fuck.” We didn’t end out raiding their room. Instead, we went down to Carleton’s parent’s room where Carleton, Ryan, and Liz had passed out. I ripped the comforter up off of them and ran as fast as I could back up the stairs to our room. Ryan came running after us at full speed, though I didn’t even realize it. I was tripping all over the place-over the stairs, over the sheet, over myself. So Ryan ripped the sheet out of my gimp hand and took it back to their room. I was assured by John that Ryan wouldn’t have stopped his efforts to get the blanket back anyway until he achieved success.

We planned to perform other raids, but we got mixed up watching a movie called El Sexo Loco, that we found in Carleton’s porn chest. It was the raunchiest shit ever. I couldn’t get off one bit and neither could anyone else. Fat Mexican men getting head from sick chicks with bleached hair doesn’t arouse me at all. We all laughed at the thought of Carleton getting off to that shit. Somehow I fell asleep while talking about how disgusted I was. I woke up several times during the few hours that I was sleeping because that goddamn movie was never turned off, so it played repeatedly. All I could hear was, “Si…Si…Si Henri…Si!” I woke up at 9 to drive home. My head was killing me. While I was getting up, John and Christian both woke up, bitched about how the movie was still playing, didn’t do anything about it for a minute, but then one of them finally got up and turned it off. I walked downstairs. Carleton was asleep on his living room floor with a blanket pulled over him. Mila was on the couch next to him. I asked him what the deal was. It was his house and he was sleeping on a wood floor. He told me that Ryan and Liz had started fooling around next to him in his parent’s bed so he left. I grabbed my records and split. As I drove down those windy Westlake roads, I had the impulse to puke, so I pulled over. However, I didn’t end out puking until I got home.

I talked my mom out of making me get a hair cut before we left for Bellville, because I couldn’t have fucking handled it. I slept in the car on the way there, and pretty much slept the rest of the day when we got there. Then I went to sleep at 9 that night and woke up around noon the next day. I’m assured that I caught up on my sleep. It’s been three days since then and my legs are still sore because I danced so hard that night. I was limping around my grandparent’s house the past two days.

I’m happy to be home. The weather is beautiful. I’m ready to enjoy these last few days of spring break. The 80s party was some of the best fun I’ve had in a long time, and I look forward to another one like it.

Current Mood: feelin' groovy
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